you are b e a u t i f u l

Aug 11th, 2010

It looks like my blog was blocked in China last summer. I wonder why. Maybe I said something too controversial about the Chinese government, though I can’t really think of what I said. Anyway, since I wanted to be able to blog about my experiences in China, and mainly because I wanted to remember all the experiences I was having so I could use it as material for my fieldtrip papers, or even my research papers further down the road, I created a new LiveJournal where I am posting DAILY about all my experiences. Check it out, and comment and add me if you’re interested. Once you comment, I will add you as a friend so you can view the rest of my entries.

http://situsuzhen.livejournal.com

I’ll be back and blogging (as much as I do blog…) in this blog once I return from China, seeing as it’s a bit hard since China blocks this.

♥Posted in china @ 9:15 am / Leave a Comment

Jul 28th, 2010

I feel ungrateful for feeling this, but I was looking at my calendar tonight and organizing everything, and I was looking at my big clump of China in August, and all I could think to myself was, “Man, I’m ready to go home.” Aside from Hawaii, I am so ready to go home, and my trip hasn’t even begun. I guess like always, it hasn’t hit me yet that I’m going to China. Like always, I don’t want to go to China. I don’t know. I mean yeah everyone says have fun traveling the world and exploring and whatever else, but really… I didn’t ask to go back to China this summer. I suppose the only reason why I am is to graduate on time in 4 years, but then again I could have taken summer school too. But I guess I never really considered summer school as an option to begin with. Maybe just because it never seemed legitimate enough. Summer school was what my dad told me to take in high school because he thought I should be studying all year around, not something that I’d willingly fill my summers with and feel good about, like I’m actually doing something. Although I suppose taking summer school, I would be doing something productive, since I’d be giving my GPA its much-needed boost.

Totally off track though. It’s just… why do I always dread China? Why do I never want to go? I guess I miss Peter. A lot. I realized that more today, as I was hobbling around Maui and just thinking to myself. I miss Skinny too, but Skinny is right next to me. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m in a weird mood, at 2:30AM when I actually could have fallen asleep at like 10PM (and did). I have no idea what I’m even doing up. I guess at first I was “finishing up” VITA (VITA is never really finished lol), and then I was messing around with my calendar, and now… now I’m just thinking. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I wonder what I should do tomorrow. Maybe more shopping? It just struck me today that I don’t really have many days left here. A week can go by so quickly! I mean I’ve only been here for 2 days and yet I only have 3 left. The evil little voice in me is remarking that I hope my 4 weeks in China can pass by just as quickly too. But I’m trying to ignore that. Anyway, I’m torn as to what I should do because I don’t want to go back out in the sun as burned as I still am, but I only have 3 days left to do things! I want to see a magic show, and go jet skiing, and maybe snorkeling (well, I suppose I could forgo that), and maybe take another helicopter ride, or maybe visit Lanai, and also go shopping. Why are there so many things I want to do, all of a sudden, but then when it comes the day, I’m too lazy to do them all? Well that’s the story of my life, I guess. That’s why I need to plan these things ahead of time so not everything just feels “on the whim” and so that I have time to “prepare.” Does that even make any sense? Well I guess it’s like the feeling of planning to do something with someone versus someone calling you up out of the blue and asking you to hang out right now. I’ve always been inclined to turn those offers down, just because it feels so impromptu and I’m not prepared. It reminds me of those personality tests – I guess they really do ring true.

So yeah I don’t know what to do with myself. With my trip. With China. Maybe I just need to sleep. But I kind of still want to read. Should I put aloe on? My mom was being really indecisive during dinner today and both my brother and dad got frustrated and they were like, “It’s your choice!” I chuckled and commented that that must be who I got it from, but then my brother told me, “It’s not a matter of genes. It’s a matter of you’re a girl.” Is that true? Is that just what girls do? I don’t know. None of this entry is making sense. But then again, why would it? In truth, I still am jetlagged and it’s 2:34AM HST, which means it’s 5:34AM PST.

Nuts. I’m sleeping. Or not.

♥Posted in china, provoked thoughts, summer, vacation @ 5:35 am / Leave a Comment

Jul 8th, 2010

There’s always this debate that I have with myself whenever I finish a particularly good story. You know, one of those stories that you’ll always remember, no matter how many other stories you’ve read. Strangely enough, the best stories I read are the unpublished ones. The published ones never really stand a chance. They’re more… cheesy, cliche, typical, and yet published. And sure there may not be any holes, but as a whole, they’re just not better. The best stories I read are online, on FP, on PH, where the characters are so much more real and thought out and right for each other, where the chemistry is nearly unbearable and the characters are imperfect and have issues and can’t be taken at face value and have more layers than just sex appeal and I love you.

Anyway, the debate I have after every time I read one of those stories is what to read next. It’s like I’m on this high of reading something so good that I don’t want to stop, I want to keep going and read more just like it, but then another part of me wants to pace myself, to step back and read something of lesser value, something completely different just so that I can relish in that particular story to its fullest and give it the attention and adoration it fully deserves before just rushing forward to the next one.

Usually that second urge wins over. I really want to read something good though. I feel it in my fingers and my mind, just itching to read more and discover more and yet… I can’t get over Tess & Adonis just yet. Just can’t. They’re too good. They’re too imperfectly perfect. They’re too… gah. My stomach is in giddy twists just thinking of it. Or not just them but… the story in general. *sigh*

I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe do some work. I’m such a workaholic.

♥Posted in fiction @ 6:20 pm / 1 Comment

Jul 8th, 2010

I wanted to blog here a few days back about all the things I’ve been doing at my internship (well, actually I’ve wanted to blog about it since the first week), but now I have more pressing matters to blog about… like scheduling classes! Haha. It always comes down to this. Anyway, at first I was super worried because my ECON 102 class and CHINESE 100A class lectures conflicted, and I need to take both. I basically can’t take any more ECON classes until ECON 102 is out of the way, and CHINESE 100A is a series class so if I don’t take it now, I’d have to take it in senior year or something, and by then I’m afraid my Chinese would be terrible… but maybe not really. I mean I’ve gone for years with no instruction in Chinese and yet somehow I’ve still managed to pull through. But by some stroke of luck and a ton ton ton of generosity on my Chinese Professor’s part, I can now take BOTH, even if it makes me TR crazy because I have to run back and forth between Chinese and Econ.

However, now I’m at a loss of what to do because I had planned my schedule around the fact that I wouldn’t be taking Chinese, but now I am, and now I don’t know what to do because it conflicts with a class I really want to take because I feel like it’d be very useful and a step away from all the accounting stuff that I’m used to. I guess I just want to explore my options a bit more and make sure that I actually know my options before settling on something for internships. So here are my choices:

MGMT 126- This class conflicts with my Chinese lecture, which my Chinese professor is already being very lenient about, so I don’t want to screw that up and ask her for even more. But I really really do want to take this class, and during fall quarter too because it’d be a great thing to have on my transcript and have that knowledge and really know what I’m getting myself into before I make any concrete choices. I just really feel that a lot of good things would come out of taking this class, fall quarter and not waiting. Plus it’s not supposed to be too difficult, and would contribute to my major GPA, etc. I have considering just taking this class with the conflict and leaving 20 min early for Chinese, since people on Bruinwalk say his lectures are pretty slow and from the book, but I feel like that’s such a great chunk of the lectures that I’d be missing too.

GEOG 186- This class will be taught by my same Professor as the one I’m traveling to China with this summer, so I thought I’d be a good way to keep up that Professor relationship. Also since I’ll be used to her teaching and testing style by that time, it’ll give me an advantage. She’s also supposed to be a very organized and good lecturer, which is always a plus. The topic will also be about China geography, from where I will have just returned, so I’ll probably be a bit more psyched about this class if I took it Fall than say, winter. However, it would be going to my East Asian studies major, which is okay but right now I really want to be focusing on Busecon because that’s what will get me my internships that I want, not EAS.

PHY SCI 5- An easy GE that is on my adgenda sometime. It might be an easy A, I’m not sure. It’s a lot of straight memorization though, or memorization of scientific facts, which I have come to realize that I’m pretty decent at, considering most of the few As I’ve obtained throughout my college career have all been for my science GEs (isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard?!) So it’d be a GPA booster, but that’s kind of it. It wouldn’t help my major GPA, which is something I definitely need, and it wouldn’t help me get internships, because talking about your diet has nothing to do with consulting or business… sadly… lol

MGMT 122- This class is supposed to be easier, and since it’s with Litt, who is a book person, and I am a book person, I think it’d be okay. It would also help my major GPA, get the darn class out of the way (I’m not too fond of cost accounting), and some friends are taking it, but I don’t know… I just feel like it’s a filler class, honestly. Like it’s nothing. I mean it’s not nothing, but it’s not too impressive or ambitious either. Although it’s a major class, it has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to do, so it’s just kind of… blah. Taking it to take it and I guess in theory it’ll make the numbers higher for my GPA but in substance, it wouldn’t make me any more competitive than if I hadn’t taken it. But then again, GPA does mean a lot too… I don’t know. Plus I’m not too thrilled at the prospect of this class.

HNRS 84- This seems like an interesting class, judging by its title, and I really do need to get my stupid honors collegium requirement out of the way so I can just move on, but it wouldn’t count for anything but that, and the only thing it would do is affect my overall cumulative GPA. Which is good/bad depending on how I do, lol. On the second thought, I am nixing this option after reading the Professor’s reviews on Bruinwalk. Although it says “a lot of reading but doesn’t demand a lot out of you”… so now I’m confused. Either way, it has nothing to do with my major, but I’m good at linguistics, so maybe it’d be okay and interesting.

MGMT 126 would obviously be the best option, except it has time conflicts with my schedule and the Professor is certainly not being as nice as my Chinese professor -_-;; Sadly this class is really only 1 hour 20 minutes to begin with, so it’s not like Ravetch’s 2 hour lectures where he lets you out 30 minutes early every class period either. So ugh. I don’t know what to do. Thinking about this now and after having written all of this, I realize that maybe I shouldn’t take GEOG 136 or HNRS 84, because right now my priorities are really just to focus on my Business-Economics major. Blah. I might not have a real choice in this.

Opinions though, to anyone reading this? I’ll get around to that internship entry though. And oh look! WP 3.0 is out! I hope it’s full of newness.

♥Posted in school @ 4:04 pm / Leave a Comment

Jun 12th, 2010

I preformed so poorly on my finals that I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I wish my life were as easy as dictating a story – with a story, everything is under your control. If you want your protagonist to be super smart and an Ivy League scholar who graduated with honors and a 4.0, no problem. You just write it and it’s fact. But with life, nothing’s ever that simple.

So I want to bury myself in my books instead. It’s summer it’s summer it’s summer. That’s what I keep telling myself. There’s really nothing I can do now – I can only look forwards instead and think about how to take my mistakes and learn from them and not make them again. Take Klein for instance. It was so stupid of me to take him because I want to learn, because Klein obviously doesn’t give two shits about whether I learned the material or not – no Professor who refuses to give partial credit would ever actually care about his students. I should have realized that, but I guess I didn’t know that there was no partial credit to begin with either. I’m not taking him anymore. I’m also upset about Ravetch. I mean I guess it just goes to show that it’s not really about the effort that you put in the entire quarter. What it really comes down to is how you’re feeling on the day of the midterm and final, and how well you preform on them. None of the rest matters. It doesn’t matter if you slack off weeks 1-4, buckle down week 5, then slack off weeks 6-9, and buckle down week 10. As far as everyone else is concerned, as long as you are in the zone those two weeks, nothing else matters.

College pisses me off in that way. Why is your entire success of college only determined by two days out of the entire quarter? I mean I know there’s a need for tests but why is there nothing else? I’ve concluded that it’s because Professors and TAs are lazy. And even in Ravetch’s class where you would think that would matter, it really doesn’t. My grade right now is equivalent to just taking the average of my midterm and final, and ignoring everything else. It’s as though I never did the rest of the work at all to begin with. How frustrating.

So I guess so much for not talking about school. But I had to. I forgot my journal in my box in my room at school, and so I am stuck with this. I guess I wanted to complain on my LJ instead, but I came here with the intention of listing all the books I am excited to read, not to rant about school. I guess my fingers had a different agenda though. I can’t help but to hope that work will be different though. Sure there are assessments at work, but I feel like it’s so much more based on your daily performance and people’s overall perception of the work you do, rather than just one day. One bad day at work won’t necessarily kill you, but in school, it will. I like that concept. I just hope that I’ll be able to give off the right impression.

I hope that TOKYOPOP will be okay. I hope I learn things from it, that I work hard, that I do well and accomplish a lot and exceed expectations and go above and beyond the call of duty and that I outperform any previous intern by far, even if I’m the sophomore and they were the graduated seniors. If I can’t do things right in school, I at least want to be successful at work. I don’t feel like I was very successful last year, even though I did everything they asked of me and more, but still I feel like that wasn’t anything at all. Probably because it wasn’t. Probably because me being there didn’t really mean anything – I don’t quite understand why I was there to begin with.

Well yeah. I kissed law school goodbye. I suppose I still have some sort of chance for business school, but that is definitely unsure too, because really, your GPA matters in everything. I don’t know why I can’t just settle on a less-conventional job. Like why do I have to do some crazily competitive client-based job anyway? Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off working in industry instead. I don’t know, maybe it’s something to think about, another option to consider, since I’m all about new options these days.

Anyway, my books. I went to BORDERS today (40% until Monday! Act now!) and I only bought 1 book, that I didn’t even plan on buying, because it was kind of awkward to be there with my Uncle and Dad just standing around waiting for me. I’ll go back on Sunday or Monday to get my other book. It’s actually weird because I walked out of the bookstore with a book from an author I hadn’t even thought about looking up. What I really wanted was Nalini Singh’s Psy-changeling book that I’m missing, but alas, it was not in the store even though they said it would be online. I think I’ll order it online though, since I saw something about free shipping and the coupon works online and I saved almost $3 today on a pretty cheap book! It’s weird because I was thinking about other authors whose books I should check and the name “Laura Adrian” came to my mind but I didn’t remember which books she wrote, and then independently of that, I thought about her books and how I hadn’t read them in a while, and I couldn’t remember the name of the author or the titles, and so I went to check on Laura Adrian and it all added up. I was excited to see that there were two new books I hadn’t seen. I also wanted to see J.D. Ward’s new book, but wtf it’s like this jumbo hardback book or something, so I didn’t get it, lol. That would have cost a fortune. I think I’ll invest in the library for that one, like I will for Sarah Dessen’s “new” book (which came out last year, but whatever).

I really ought to start reading more meaningful and smarter books. Like maybe I should pick back up To Kill a Mockingbird again, and A Thousand Splendid Suns. The thing about those books is that the endings are never what I want them to be. Always depressing. And I don’t really get as attached. Or something, I don’t know. Like with a Thousand Splendid Suns, I stopped reading when the guy died, I was so sad. I’m all about the romance anyway, so when I realized that Leila and the guy weren’t going to be together, I stopped. I guess I started again sometime later but it was never really the same. I don’t know. I’m such a sap. I need to grow up sometimes… or at least read smarter more creative books like the Psy-changeling series. Which I love. And puts a smile on my face amidst the terrible dip in my GPA.

So books I’m looking forward to coming out:

Only the Good Spy Young – June 29 (I still can’t believe the reading age for this is like 11-15… way to make me feel like a loser. But I still love this series anyway)
Bonds of Justice – July 6
Taken by Midnight – September 28

Books I want and are already out:

Ashes of Midnight by Laura Adrian
Branded by Fire by Nalini Singh
Destined for an Early Grave by Jeannine Frost
First Drop of Crimson by Jeannine Frost
Lover Mine by JD Ward
Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs by Jen Calonita
Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Paparazzi Princess by Jen Calonita
Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Broadway Lights by Jen Calonita
Shades of Midnight by Laura Adrian

Actually, reading the summaries for Calonita’s series kind of just makes me want to dump it. It’s getting boring, since the focus is no longer on Kaitlin & Austin. That’s the thing with young adult books. They try to make it about growing up and more than just romance but just… it’s lame. It’s not very meaningful. I probably would say that only ones that even scrape meaningful beyond the romantic sense are Sarah Dessen’s books. And then there’s Ally Carter’s stuff which is just plain fun. I mean, come on, spies. Who doesn’t love that stuff? Which just makes me want to play The Sims again, lol. Maybe I should give it another shot…

It’s weird though because yesterday I even started up the Sims to start playing because I thought maybe I wouldn’t be tired of it anymore, but then in the middle of starting it up I was just already bored, and wanting to read this story I had found instead. Goodness I love reading. I think a lot of the stuff I read online is a lot better than some things I’ve read that are published. Bleh. What a nice life it would be to just write and read for a living…

♥Posted in fiction, school, work @ 12:18 am / Leave a Comment

Jun 9th, 2010

I was going through my fiction files to find the text file I normally keep of all the stories I have read and completed, and I stumbled upon a folder of a story that I had an idea for but never actually acted upon. There have been quite a few of these in the span of time from when I stopped writing and now. There was one actual full-on attempt to start a story up: I have an entire chapter listing, and the first four chapters, and everything. There was this one chapter I was particularly proud of. Not necessarily because it furthered the plot but because I really liked the way I wrote it. I was forcing myself to use new techniques and styles to improve and make it more pretty and more deductible. It never went through, and I think ultimately it was because of this:

The problem with writing and me is I hate the logistics. Usually in life I love the logistics but in writing I just can’t stand it. I always have these random scenes in my mind but I can never really figure out how to connect the dots. I know the overall picture of what I want to happen, but I can never figure out those specific scenes to string together the scenes that keep me going. I was reading through my text file of planning the fic, and god, I really liked it a lot. There was a point where I was like wait I have to go back to that because I thought it was a story I was reading, not one that I was planning. I really like it. I read some random tidbits I had already written on whims of inspiration of what should happen (you know… the scenes I want to write that I was talking about) and I was sucked in. I really want to write it. But then I started thinking about how to write it. What should go first? How should it start? How should it progress? And then I just got a headache.

But I really want to write this story. And I just really want to write in general. So maybe I should give it a shot. After all, it’s summer and the only thing I’ve got is everything. But why not, right? I’m really hoping it’ll work out. I abandoned this story once already, but hey who knows, what if I abandon it again and then come back to it again? I guess that’s what I’ve always hoped would happen, to all of my random ideas. That’s why I saved them in the first place.

♥Posted in writing @ 7:41 pm / Leave a Comment

Jun 7th, 2010

I was up this morning watching as UCLA updated their schedule of classes with the classes for Fall quarter, haha. I am so pissed that Chinese is at possibly the worst time ever!! What is up with that?! EVERYTHING conflicts with it. So at first I thought to myself, “That’s okay. If I can’t take Econ 102 immediately, then maybe I can take Econ 103,” and then I checked Econ 103 time, and it’s at exactly the same time as Econ 102. I really should have just taken Econ 102 this quarter instead – it’s the same Professor anyway, and next quarter will be recruiting as well. Not that I knew I would be recruiting so early, but still. AH. Baka. I wish a whole bunch of us could just get together and protest the time to get it moved to some more convenient time, because I feel like if I take it it would be a consistent quarter every quarter after as well. The Professor seems really good though – she has like ultimate reviews on Bruinwalk, haha: easy but very effective. Just what I like to hear. So I looked this year and she’s teaching the 100 series this year too, so hopefully she will be around for next year.

I emailed the new professor, and my professor right now, but I think what’ll end up happening is them telling me some bs like to take the intense 100 series over summer for a million bucks, and I’ll end up putting off Chinese to my senior year instead. Hopefully I won’t struggle because of it, but I guess I’ve had enough gaps in my Chinese education to be able to deal with it. It’s like they’ll probably tell me: ultimately, I’ll have to prioritize, and of course, Chinese is great and everything but why would I choose my East Asian Studies major over my Business-Economics major? For the sake of my life and future and family, of course I’m going to choose the major that can actually support me. Maybe I’ll just take an East Asian Studies major class every quarter instead. I’m kind of dreading them – essays and readings and subjective grading *shivers*.

So my plan for next quarter is: ECON 106A (they changed ECON 188B to a 106 series!!), ECON 102, MGMT 127B (should I? Do I dare? Maybe not this one…), East Asian Studies class

No GE. No language. I was just thinking to myself while calculating my potential grade for this quarter how nice it is to be taking an easy GE and language class because suddenly it just makes your GPA that much nicer. Plus they’re usually 5 units too, so it’s even better, haha. Actually, I was also looking into the Honors Collegium classes, and there’s this one really interesting (non-GE) class about languages, that I might be interested in taking, but I have to see if it’s still absolutely mandatory to be taking a HC/GE class, or if I can graduate in time. That way I could get that stupid requirement out of the way and not have to worry about it, and it’d be interesting. But then I wouldn’t be taking any classes for my East Asian Studies major, and I wouldn’t be allowed the leeway to still have an extra spot for a class later on down the road if, say, I wanted to take up Korean again. Haha. My wishes.

♥Posted in school @ 9:09 pm / Leave a Comment

Jun 5th, 2010

I always have an urge to write in here but then by the time I actually do get back, boot up my laptop, and sit down to start writing, the desire to do so slips away. I don’t know. So I guess I’m forcing myself to write – or not really forcing myself to write, but just saying it’s no longer as profound as I imagined this entry would be when I was writing it in my head. It’s finals week, and I just finished 2 of my 4 finals, so I feel justified enough to sit down and procrastinate a little more before moving onto tax. Lately I’ve had the desire to do something big, I guess. Or not necessarily big but just… the desire to make a difference, to mean something, to not just be some person who came to UCLA, went through the steps, and left. I guess that would be the reason why I applied for Co-Head Coordinator for VITA, why I’m so excited to do things for VITA, why I still have this insatiable urge within me to do more.

I don’t know what I want to do though. I’ve been through the listing of UCLA clubs a million times now and nothing honestly really strikes my interest. Nothing… grand. I mean I guess before there was VITA, and there were those tutoring projects like KASEO, but it’s kind of like been there done that, it’s no great shakes I want something better, something more meaningful where you’re actually making a difference and not just fooling yourself into thinking that you are. I wanted to do something like make blankets for homeless people. Totally stole that idea from a story, but it seemed like a nice idea and something I would enjoy doing. Or it doesn’t even have to be community service, I just want to… do something. Be a part of something. Matter in something.

I also want to change this layout. I can’t believe I’ve had it for so long. Lately I’ve been thinking that my layouts look so out-dated. It’s like I’m still stuck in 2001 when these kind of layouts were still cool. It just goes to show how old I am, how little I’ve improved with Photoshop and website design, and how much I am lacking in creativity. I ought to be ashamed, I know. My next goal (besides acing tax) is to break free of this middle school-esque design.

I can’t believe it’s already the end of my sophomore year, and I am already done with 2 of my classes for the quarter. Where the heck did my time go?! Thinking back on this entire year though, I feel like I’ve grown so much, in so many ways. Personally, relationship-wise, professionally… I’ve learned so many things this year: attended events I never thought I would be attending, talked to people I never thought it was possible to know, participated in case competitions that I had always dreaded, and amazingly actually found them fun, went from completely dreading Ravetch to willingly taking him all three quarters and loving it (although I’m quite bitter and mad about today’s test – REALLY RAVETCH?! CAPITAL LEASE?!), learned how to talk to people, learned how to present myself better, learned how to network, learned how to interview with people again. I took a role, got a leadership position, found a club I’m really interested in, learned so much about myself, faced my faults, admitted my mistakes, forgave, became more confident… of course there are things I don’t really like about this year but all in all I feel like I have grown a lot. Or I’ve grown up a lot.

That being said, I’m also super excited for summer. I’m excited to start my internship at TOKYOPOP and learn a lot. So far, I’ve been dissatisfied with the answers as to what the previous Business and Legal interns there learned, but I’m determined to get more out of it than they apparently have (a wealth of information) and make it mean more and learn more and maybe realize more than they ever did. It should be a fun experience. I am also excited for China, amazingly, since I complained so much about being there last year. I’m excited for the Shanghai Expo and Haibao! I am psyched to see Beijing and make new friends and learn about China’s development. I’m excited for field trips and writing about field trips, and maybe not the readings but I’m excited for the learning. I’m also excited for my summer leadership programs! I really look forward to the case studies and mind-stimulating activities – I guess the teambuilding and leadership skills are definitely a plus too but I’m mainly just excited for a challenge, to see whatever the firms have to throw at us. Most of all though, I’m SO ready for HAWAII. I am craving to go back. Maybe 1 week will be better than 2 as well, because it won’t be long enough to get bored.

♥Posted in college, school, summer, work @ 5:17 pm / Leave a Comment

May 8th, 2010

I had an interview yesterday and for some reason it was so much easier than any other interview than I had had in the past. I mean, I shouldn’t say that, I don’t know if “easier” is the right word choice, but I just felt so much more comfortable and in my element at the time. Talking to the people there put me at so much more ease than talking to any accounting professionals I have ever talked to. It made me wonder, I guess. I was talking a little about my interview with Hiromi, and then about how I have to attend a networking event next week and how much I’m dreading it, and it made me question yet again if public accounting is really the career path that I want to take. I don’t know if it’s just because there’s so much pressure from all directions to do well and network with this recruiter or that and because I see everyone else around me do it too, but I feel like public accounting seems so… fake. Something I have to work for because it’s not naturally in me to answer behavioral interview questions and have to convince someone to hire me purely based off of whether or not they like me and think I’ll fit their company. I said it in the very beginning before all of this started and I feel like I may have lost sight of it along the way, but I really do want someone to hire me for what they believe I’ll do for them and bring to their company, rather than if they think they’ll enjoy good conversations with me in the future. I want someone to hire me because they think I’m smart, not because they think I’m friendly.

I iterated this over and over again, but it didn’t really hit me again until yesterday’s interview, when they guy said, “Ask her the regular questions now,” and I expected behavioral interview questions but instead got brainteasers. I didn’t remember it until he said, “I like you,” at the end of the interview and I felt so much more proud than I did when the PwC recruiter told me I had given her one of the best “elevator pitches” she had heard all day. It felt so much better to know that someone liked me because he sensed intelligence in me, rather than someone liked me because I could answer interview questions well on the spot.

And then that just got me thinking. I mean I realized that almost everything about accounting has always been that way. Even joining clubs and becoming an officer of them is decided in the same way – it’s all based on whether or not the people making the decisions already know you, and whether or not they like talking to you. Is that something I really want? I mean, it goes completely against everything I ever believed while growing up. I mean, I know that even my parents are proud that I am “networking” or whatever and talking to people and recruiters, but I don’t know. Even though my dad isn’t some CEO or hot-shot lawyer of a company, I’ve always been content just knowing that in whatever he does, he’s the go-to person because everyone knows he’s the most knowledge, he can solve their problems, and he knows what’s going on, and it’s not at all because he “networked” with them or tried to get on their good sides or anything. That’s always the position I have wanted to hold, in anything I did. But maybe that’s naive too. Maybe that’s unrealistic in thinking that I can live my life purely based off of that, laying myself out on the table, giving people the facts with no sugar-coating included, and expecting them to like me just the way I am. If I think about it further, and think about all the things I have succeeded in and about the times when I was admired for my skills, I realize that I am also quick to forget the steps that it took to get there and gain that respect in the first place. It all would still start with getting that edge in the door because intelligence and talent aside, people still had to like me first.

So maybe it is naive. But then again, maybe accounting’s too extreme.

♥Posted in provoked thoughts, work @ 3:55 pm / Leave a Comment

May 7th, 2010

05/01/09:

05/01/10:

Pwahahaha. Skinny needs a bath!! And now that I am done with all my midterms (even though I failed X_X) I can finally do all the things I’ve been putting off, which includes giving Skinny a bath. Tehehe. This is just for my amusement. I love my Skinny<3 He’s still super cute.

♥Posted in relationships @ 1:23 am / 1 Comment